First off, thank you. Thanks to all of you who have continued to ask and care for us. Last Friday made 4 months. And we appreciate you all remembering us and Haddie.
Having lost my dad in March and my daughter in September, I've had some time to really experience grief like I never had before. I'm not sure I believe in the stages of grief. I'd call them cycles. There are good days and bad days, good moments and bad moments. Until this year I dont think I could grasp what it would be like to be on this side of things. You always wonder "how in the world do they get through it". Or "what would I do in that situation" You also wonder how you can help. I want to tell you what has helped us. This may not be the same for every person. But prior to March and then September, I had no clue what to say or do when someone experienced a huge loss. Here's just a few of my observations.
1. It's not about what you say...well sort of. Standing in visitation lines at a funeral isn't a fun experience. You wonder what should I say or is there something I shouldn't say. I honestly couldnt tell you what 95% of what people said to me while I was at the receiving end of that line. "I'm sorry for your loss", "Im praying for you", "love you"...etc. What I do remember is people being there. Hugs, tears, laughter. It's a reminder to me that we arent the only ones grieving. You just being there was enough.
What we enjoyed the most was people sharing memories with us. At my dad's funeral folks told stories about him that I had never heard before. Those stories add to my memories of him. Even if it was a story I'd heard before, I loved hearing it again. At Haddie's we found out just how she impacted so many people. Hearing those stories helped us tremendously.
As time has gone on what we've noticed is people are sometimes afraid to bring up Haddie or my dad. I think they are afraid it will upset us. The reality is...there's not a day that goes by that we don't think about them. So you bringing them up doesn't upset us. What's harder is feeling like they arent here anymore. At Christmas I knew Kate was worried that we'd go through the many gatherings and not talk about Haddie. So as a gift for her (and to myself) I asked 1 person at each gathering to pass out some sheets to everyone there saying "Haddie is Here Because I Remember..." and they'd write down their memories. We loved reading what people wrote down. It meant so much to us. We know you havent forgotten. But hearing you say or write down those memories makes us feel that. The last thing a person wants is to feel like people have forgotten or moved on. There's no moving on for us. Yes, the raw grief and extreme mourning has lightened up (some days)...but as long as I live I'm going to deal with this. So don't be afraid to talk about the person that passed. It actually helps.
The sort of...
I'd recommend not saying "I know how you feel" or "Ive been there". I know you are trying to make the person feel like they arent alone. But in reality, you don't know how they feel. Yes, you may have lost a father or a daughter or a similar relationship. You may know what tremendous loss feels like. But that doesnt mean you know exactly how that person feels. Grief is different for every person. There are so many circumstances that affect how you feel. Instead of saying "I know how you feel"...just tell them what helped you when you experienced a loss. Kate and I were unaware of how many folks we knew that had lost children. Them sharing how they dealt with it was good for us.
There's another phrase that is tricky. "If there's anything you need, anything at all, dont be afraid to ask or call". Hear me, I've said that one. If you said that to us...I appreciate it. I know you want to help. But here's the reality...when you are going through the raw stages of grief...you don't know what you need. And even if I did know what I needed...I'm probably too prideful to ask. So that brings me to my next suggestion:
2. It's about what you do. So many folks helped us in so many ways. They didnt ask us what we needed...they just did it. Here's the list:
- The day Haddie died some close friends came and cleaned our house because they knew relatives would be coming in
- Other friends just came and sat with us so we wouldn't be alone. (Note...sometimes it's good to ask how long you should stay. Sometimes we wanted to be alone)
- Some folks actually paid to have a cleaning lady come in the following weeks and do a deep clean of our house. (They asked first. I know some people may be too prideful to accept but we were ecstatic)
- Food. SOOOO much food! People brought us a variety of dishes to help us feed the relatives.
- Entertainment- Some close friends bought us some tickets to go see an Ohio State game a few weeks after. That was a much needed day out for Kate and I.
- Some folks offered to pay for some grief counseling sessions. Kate and I both did that and it was very helpful I believe.
- Cards. (I especially like cards where you shared a memory or a story. I don't usually read what the author from Hallmark wrote because I don't know him or her)
- Babysitting
- Financial help
- Texts or calls in the weeks or months after letting us know of something that reminded you of them
And the list goes on. There's so many unique ways we can help folks who've experienced loss if we are willing to look and see. Just know this...there's nothing you can do to remove that grief or help them get over it. But those moments where people have helped does give us joy and hope for the future.
3. Faith is everything
Bottom line...God is really the only one that can bring peace. He has used you all to help. That is certain. Your prayers have helped. I know He hears you when you pray on our behalf. Knowing that my dad and Haddie are in heaven and that this is not the end...that I will see them again one day...that is indescribable. I am excited for that day. And I want others to feel this way that do not have hope.
My plea to you if you are a Christian is this...share your faith. Bless folks so much that they ask you about your faith. Share it. Tell your story. Quit worrying about politics and quit squabbling like children on Facebook. It's not the main thing. Letting people know that there's a Jesus and a solution to their pain is what matters. I ache so bad for the lost people in this world who do not know Jesus and go through something like this. More so I ache because death isn't the worst part for them...what's after death will be the worst part of they do not know and follow Jesus. I have soooooo much to look forward to when I die. So if you are a Christian, don't be afraid to share the only thing that will get people to heaven, help them with grief, and give them a purpose in life.
And if you aren't a Christian or you arent sure if you are...let's grab some lunch or dinner and talk.
God is good.
